Never Split The Difference

2025-03-29

Herb Cohen's You Can Negotiate is easier to read but this is helpful when you don't have power, like when you are negotiating with your landlord.

Life is negotiation. Your career, your finances, your reputation - at some point, all of these hinges on your ability to negotiate. Negotiation is means to get what you want in life.

The first step to master daily negotiation is to get over your aversion to negotiating. Negotiation is the heart of collaboration. Asking questions is a passive aggressive approach.

The process of negotiation should be approached with a mindset of discovery - of what the other side wants. Your goal at the outset is to extract and observe as much information as possible. Smart people have trouble being negotiators - they're so smart they think they don't have anything to discover. Don't assume, have hypothesis. Each new piece of information takes a step towards the end goal and discard false hypothesis about the wants of other side.

In a hostage negotiation, FBI makes multiple people to listen to a call. It's not easy to listen well. We are easily distracted. Most people come to negotiations with their own pre-occupations that they are unable to listen attentively. The voices in their head overwhelm them. When they are not talking, they are thinking about their arguments and when they are talking, they are making their arguments. Often, those on both sides of the table are doing the same thing. How to overcome this state of schizophrenia where everyone are thinking about their own arguments? Instead of prioritising your argument, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. Instead of doing any thinking at all in the early goings about what you're going to say, make the other person as the sole focus. The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want.

Use a deep, soft, slow and reassuring voice to ease confrontation. Use a positive/playful voice - it shows an attitude of light and encouraging. An assertive voice signals dominance onto your counterpart - who will either aggressive or passive-aggressively, push buck against attempts to be controlled. Assertive voice works only in very rare circumstances - better not to use it. Most of the time, use positive/playful voice. The key here is to relax and smile while you are talking.

Mirroring is essentially imitation and it helps us to drew people near us - we fear what's different and we are drawn to what's similar. A mirror is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical three words) of what someone has just said. You start with a deep voice, repeat and be silent for four seconds for the mirror to work its magic.

Labelling is a way to acknowledge their emotions and it is an extension of mirror. You mirror by labelling. Almost all labels begin like It seems like, It feels like, It looks like. Once you label and go silent, the other side will reveal more.

No's are the getaway to yes. No`` is the start of the negotiation - not the end of it. When you allow a person to sayNoto your ideas, it creates a sense of emotional calm in the person as it gives a sense of control. The wordNogives the speaker a sense of safety, security and control. When you get a person to sayYes, people sense that you are trying to control them and they get defensive, wary and skirmish. When someone saysNo, it can mean many things: I am not yet ready to agree, You are making me feel uncomfortable, I do not understand, I don't think I can afford it, I want something else etc. EveryNogets you closer to aYes`.

Paraphrase and summarize with the other side says - it acknowledges that you are able to understand them. When you summarize and paraphrase them, you get them to say That's right which gives an acknowledgement to the other person that you are able to understand them.

Deadline is a screw that pressures every deal to a conclusion. Since both parties want a deal, the other party will also be losing something if the deal is not concluded in time. No deal is better than a bad deal. Humans have a tendency for Lose Aversion. People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction. By highlighting losses to other party in a subtle way, the counterparty can be pushed to come up with a deal.

When you say that we have to be fair, We just want what's fair, We're giving you a fair offer, it implies an implicit accusation of the opposite party that they are not fair. Never use the F word in negotiations. There is one right way to use it - early on in a negotiation, say I want yout to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me anytime if you feel I'm being unfair and we'll address it. It's simple, sets you up as an honest dealer and empathetic. If you find yourself when someone says to you We're giving you a fair offer, you'd respond back Fair? allowing the power of mirroring to do its work and then you can also label by It seems like you have evidence to support it.

Let the other side give you a first offer. In salary negotiations or negotiations involving numbers, establish a range. For example, instead of saying I'm worth $110,000, you could say at places like X.Corp, people in this job get between $130,000 - $170,000.When you talk numbers, use odd ones instead of round ones. They feel serious and gives a feeling of permanent to your counterpart.

Asking open-ended questions gives the other side an illusion of control and lets the other side figure out your problem. By asking a question, you implicitly ask for help - and you have also created a situation where your counterpart is now using his mental and emotional resource's to overcome your challenge.

Calibrated questions usually are How and What questions. They are rarely Why, When, Who, Where. Why questions should be used barely as they end-up finger-pointing the opposite party. The other side can respond to these questions but they don't have fixed answers. Some examples of calibrated questions:

Things won't work if you don't control your emotions.

7-38-55 percent rule - 7 percent of message is based on words, 38 per cent comes from the tone of voice and 55 percent from the speaker's body language and face.

The rule of three: it is simply getting the other guy to agree to the same thing three times in the conversation. The first time they agree to something is No. 1. The second time, you label or summarize what they had said, so they answer That's right. No.3 could be a calibrated How or What question about implementation that will ask them to explain what will constitute success, something like What do we do if we get off track? or What do you see as being most difficult thing to get around?

Ackerman bargaining

  1. Set your target price (your goal)
  2. Set your first offer at 65 per cent of your target price
  3. Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 95 and 100 percent)
  4. use lots of empathy and different ways of saying No to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer
  5. When calculating final amount, use precise, non-round numbers like $37,893.
  6. On your final number, throw in non-monetary item to show you're at your limit.

Ask three or four open-ended questions over and over and over. They get worn out answering and give you everything you want.